A Brave New World

Years ago, Bill suggested that we sign up for something called “the internet.” His main talking point was that the kids could do research for school reports at home, on the computer. Think of the possibilities…I told him he was crazy. What did we need with the World Wide Web? I could check out an entire set of encyclopedias at my local library, thank you very much!

You can clearly see that I am no visionary.

As it turns out, easy access to articles on aardvarks to zebras was just my gateway drug. I quickly became hooked and now freely admit to being a ‘net junkie. And, as with all addictions, the withdrawal can be ugly. Case in point:


We came home from Utah Monday night and I hit the bathroom and the computer, in that order. Much to my horror, I discovered that somehow, during our brief absence, our DSL modem had died, leaving behind only its earthly remains. We discussed funeral arrangements with a nice man in New Delhi. Actually, we talked to several AT&T employees, all lovely people, who talked us through our bereavement and made arrangements for a replacement in 3-5 business days. So far, it seems like 3-5 years.

As a small tribute to my missing friend, I have compiled a list of everything that I was unable to do following his departure to the great Ethernet in the sky. I hope he knows how much he is missed.

1. I couldn’t check e-mails, so I missed 75-100 notices a day from freecycle. It was through freecycle that I acquired eleven years of back issues of “Antiques” magazines. It was also through freecycle that I found someone who was willing to haul off my cedar of Lebanon that blew over in last year’s windstorm. Who knows what kind of deals I missed out on this week!

2. I found out that I missed a stake YW camp meeting Tuesday night because I didn’t get the e-mail. Heeheehee.

3. I couldn’t let Sarah know when (or if) bunkbeds popped up on the St. George craigslist.

4. I couldn’t continue my search of the local craigslist for a new chair for my sewing room.

5. I couldn’t read Roger Ebert’s reviews of the movies opening this week.

6. I couldn’t read the review of this past week’s “Office” episodes at tvguide.com to see if they, like me, fear that Jim, Pam and Michael have “jumped the shark.”

7. I couldn’t check the five day forecast or I would have known that Wednesday night was going to be unseasonably freakin’ cold for our scripture scavenger hunt at Mutual.

8. I couldn’t go online to order Netflix as Emily has suggested we do. (Maybe the delay is a good thing. I never like to be in the forefront of new technologies.)

9. I couldn’t go online to print out a coupon for my visit to JoAnn Fabric store.

10. I couldn’t e-mail Emily the pictures from our Easter weekend with her and the girls in St. George.

11. I couldn’t go online to order my spa chemicals from the place in Tehachapi that delivers to my door without a delivery charge.

12. I couldn’t prepare my family life class for next week because I can’t get on the BYU Family Living website.

13. I couldn’t download and print bird silhouettes for the embroidery that I am designing for Clare’s nursery. (Whoops—I’m not sure I have permission to say that.)

14. I have no idea what’s going on in the world because I won’t touch actual newspapers (the smell and feel of newspaper ink makes me gag) and I have little faith in broadcast journalism. Instead of eating my Cheerios while reading The Drudge Report I had to watch House Hunters. It felt weird.

15. I couldn’t do my online banking, so I couldn’t record our direct deposit.

16. I couldn’t read up on Betty Hutton after watching an interview with her on Turner Classic Movies. I need to know if she is generally considered odd or if I am being unkind. (I'm pretty sure she's odd.)

17. I couldn’t send Liza links to the different style of dresses that I am considering for Riley’s baptism to see which she prefers. I know it’s quite a while until her baptism in July, but a work of art can’t be rushed.

18. Liza couldn’t e-mail me the photos of Jake in his new glasses.

19. I couldn’t read my nephew Thomas’s weekly e-mail from his mission to Portugal and I couldn’t forward it to Carl.

I’ve compiled this list after only 48 hours without the internet. I am writing this in Word in hopes of a happy reunion soon. In the meantime, I am trying to control the trembling and limit the amount of time I spend staring mournfully at my desktop.

UPDATE*****
I’m back in business! I would write more, but I have 216 e-mails to sort through. (I’m not kidding.)