Crisis Averted

As many of you know, Bill (Dad to most of you) is a man of regular habits and tastes. Most of his preferences are pretty hard-wired. He will only wear skinny, solid black ties. He will only wear long-sleeved oxford shirts from J.C. Penneys. (Although he has evolved from wearing only solid blue or white shirts to wearing an occasional red or blue stripe in the same fabric.) He will only wear khaki-colored Dockers or black jeans. He will only wear black athletic socks and he will only wear black, leather walking shoes (preferably Rockports). On Saturdays he goes nuts. That is the day when he wears a polo shirt and sandals.

His personal-care requirements are no less regimented. He has a very complicated system for rotating bath soap when it gets to be a certain size. He always uses the same brands of toothpaste, body powder, deodorant and shaving soap. He is very concerned with having "back ups" at all times. He is very diligent about informing me when his supplies are getting low. "I'm down to just three powders. I've only got two more deodorants!"

About three months ago he started giving me daily reports on how much longer his Burt's Bees shaving soap was going to last. As each soap lasts at least two years, I hadn't been real committed to keeping up a supply of "back-ups." I started a casual search for refills. I checked Von's, Target, Wal-Mart, Walgreen's and Rite-Aid. I started to get a little concerned when I couldn't find Burt's Bee's shaving soap anywhere. All the while, the daily bulletins continued; "I think I'm down to about two months. Maybe ten weeks if I'm careful."

He got so panicky that he initiated his own Internet search. That's when we discovered (to our horror) that Burt had discontinued manufacture of his shaving soap. We received the news initially from Amy, the proprietress of a small "earth-friendly" co-op in Vermont. (We confirmed the news on the Burt's Bees website, of course.) Amy, sensing some urgency in our e-mails assured us that she had a local crafts person who made a very similar product that she could recommend. Bill acted like she had tried to substitute Ivory dish soap.

Our fruitless Internet search continued...then, about two weeks ago, we heard again from Amy. She had somehow wrangled a small shipment of discontinued items from Burt, including...several shaving soaps!!!! I called Bill in Pleasanton. He did the math, and we placed our order. Math, you say? Yes--he first had to figure out the lifespan of a single Burt's Bees shaving soap, then multiply that figure by his expected lifespan. He also had to account for the fact that he plans to quit shaving when he turns eighty. In the end, he ordered twelve.

Our shipment arrived three days ago. Once again, all is well in Mudville. He double-bagged (in zip-locks) each individual soap so that it will remain fresh over the course of the next quarter century (or so.) And he would like his children to know that if his shaving soaps outlast him, they are your inheritance. (To be divided equally among you.)