R*E*S*P*E*C*T

A few days ago, Bill and I had lunch at BJs. This is the home of Bakersfield's best (in my opinion) fish tacos. It's a nice place. The food is always good. The service is frequently adequate. The servers at BJs come in two varieties; male and female. Beyond that, they are virtually indistinguishable one from another. They are all attractive twenty-somethings and professionally friendly. Our server on Tuesday (I believe her name was Jessica) set herself apart by violating one of my personal server rules; she gave me a pet name on our first date.

Throughout the meal, she called me "Hon" or "Honey." My husband of thirty-six years doesn't even call me by a pet name. As I move through my world, I answer to only five things--Mrs. ____, Sister ____, Linda, Mom and Grandma. I don't answer to "Hon." Jessica never caught on. She probably thought I was being surly for the fun of it.

As with all rules, I have exceptions to mine. I will allow a waitress (note that I didn't say "server") to call me "Hon," "Sweetie," or "Dear," if we are in a place that is open 24 hours, if her name tag says Flo, Ruby or maybe Wanda, if she has a smoker voice and if she could out-serve Jessica with one hand tied behind her back. See, I know that Flo has a pet name for everybody, including male customers who are called "Handsome," "Sport," or "Buddy." With Flo, there's no hidden agenda. It's just something to call you.

With the Jessicas, I always feel like there's something else going on. Is it an awkward attempt at being friendly? Is it thinly veiled condescension? Is it passive-aggressive hostility? And who makes up the rules? Is there a server handbook somewhere that says it's okay to call children and women over the age of fifty by quasi-romantic pet names? And where are the lines drawn? "Honey" is okay, but not "Darling?" "Sweetie" but not "My Precious?"

This is happening more often than I would like. If it continues, I'm going to start insisting on roses and a Whitman sampler with my meal.